We are Bad Parents

MOST nights you will find Team Davis eating dinner together around the dinner table.  Granted, this has lately involved me laying on the couch with my feet up looking at the dinner table trying to reduce the size of my preggo feet.  

There are a few rules around the table:

• NO electronics or toys – purely family time and conversation 
• NO getting up without asking to be excused (which at the end of the meal includes a “thank you” to whoever made or bought the meal) 
• LISTEN when others are talking and do not talk over them

For the most part, the kids (and the parents) do a pretty good job at the rule following.  Most dinners also involve a “Best Part/Worst Part of Day” or as some people call it “the highs/lows”.  During one of these conversations Taylor was expressing her frustrations around a particularly difficult day and that all their friends tell them they have “bad parents”.   Her face quickly showed the fear of repeating such a statement and you could see that she was certain there would be some consequence for calling us “bad”.  Instead I smiled…

Me: That’s great! I’m glad your friends think I’m a bad mom

Jordan: Doesn’t it make you angry that they call you bad?

Me: Nope! You talk about these kids all the time (note: these kids are particularly mean, bullying, selfish, spiteful children) – I don’t want to be the kind of mom they think is “good”.

Taylor: They say you are bad because you don’t let us have our own smart phones and that you won’t let us get on youtube by ourselves or search Google whenever we want.

Me: Exactly! I’ll proudly take the title of “Bad Mommy” if protecting you, loving you, and raising you the way God has called me to is “bad”.

This got me thinking about John 15:17-19

18 “If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you.19 If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you.

Let me define “world”.  By “world” I mean anyone that is not a Christian (defining Christian well would take another 5 pages so I’m going to skip that for now).  In other words, the “world” hated Christ.  Because we have surrendered our lives to live the way Christ has called us, they therefore hate us.

My kids deal with the “hate” of the world on a daily basis.  From being picked on because they follow the rules (as Taylor puts it “you can only be in the ‘cool’ group at school if you do stuff that is bad and makes the teachers angry) to being nice to those that are being excluded (Taylor talking to the girl in her class with the yellow teeth and bad breath that everyone makes fun of).  It’s hard for them.  It’s hard for us (Justin and I) to listen our kids nearly daily express their hurt around being called names, being ostracized, and being physically attacked on occasion because they are being raised to do the RIGHT thing.  To add to that they are picked on because of the choices their parents are making to protect them from the “world”. 

I want to clarify what I mean by “protect them from the world”.

Living in the World is NOT bad. Our entire lives my kids will be surrounded by the “world”.  That is not bad.  In fact, we are called (as Christians) to “Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation.” (Mark 16:15) We are expected to live in the “world” surrounded by those that are not Christians and that is not a bad thing at all. My kids are encouraged to talk to us about things they are unfamiliar with or things they hear that seem to contrary to what we believe.  Like when my 4th grader comes home and asks about why her friends are talking about how they have sex already.  She asks what that means. Then in 5th grade she asks why they do it if they aren’t married (or at least they say they are doing it) when we have taught her that sex is for marriage.  We don’t’ shy away from these conversations, we have them, we encourage them.  We explain the biblical principles behind them so, when it comes time, they can make her own educated choices based on biblical principles.

We do NOT expose them to things in the world that will CAUSE them to sin.  This can mean different things to different people.  This can even be different depending on which of my kids we are talking about.  They all struggle with their own things.  For us this means things like making sure all “Google” searches are done with a parent nearby because even the most innocent of searches can return something like pornographic images/sites (which are a sin).  This means things like not allowing my 10 year old to have a cell phone because she is still learning to stand up for herself (learning to say NO to peer pressure) and she tells me about the things she has seen on friends phones (yes, 4th graders are sending penis pictures to each other, using group chats to bully each other, encouraging each other to steal some cash from their parents, and so on).

We expect them to LOVE the world. We also explain to them we are called to love the world.  That we, as Christians, are no better than the world.  That we ALL deserve hell.  That the only difference between “us” and “them” is that we have realized our brokenness and made the decision to be a Christian (again this is a complicated definition that I will not get into now).  That doesn’t make us better.  And because of that we should LOVE everyone like God loves us, Christian or not.  It means that just because somebody might be living a life of sin, doesn’t mean we get to be mean to them or disrespect them.

So, what is the point of this post?! That’s a great question.\

The point is that I’m proud to be a ‘bad mommy’.  I’m proud of my kids for repeatedly going against the “flow” of the world and standing strong in their beliefs.  I’m proud to say the world hates me because I refuse to live like those in the world (YES I make mistakes – I’m not perfect). I proud to admit that we will not shy away from difficult conversations with our kids about sex, drugs, and rock and roll because it could be uncomfortable. If the world hates me for doing the right thing, then I’m doing something right (if a murderer hates you for telling him murder is wrong… that’s a good thing).

BUT it sucks.  Having a child call me names like “bad mommy” doesn’t bother me one bit, but for my kids it can be devastating.  It sucks that I know it will never really get easier – that their entire lives they will be ‘hated’.  But, we (as Christian parents) can encourage them that pleasing the Lord is worth more than pleasing the world.  That in the end, all the hate we experience towards us will be worth it.

I Didn’t Marry the Man of my Dreams

11 years.  That is (almost) how long ago I got married.  I was a young 21 year old and for years I’d been excited about someday being married to my ‘soul mate’, the ‘man of my dreams’, the man who would ‘complete me’.

I should start by saying that I had some high expectations that started to develop around the age of 16.  My husband had to be taller than me, blonde hair, blue eyes, NO body hair, clean shaven, fit (but not to where I could see a 6 pack – that’s too much pressure), and of course he needed to love the Lord.  Personality? At 16, obviously looks meant a whole lot more to me.  And if I was honest with myself, the ‘loving the Lord’ part was what I was “supposed” to say at that point in my life – I’m not sure I would have ACTUALLY considered that a deal breaker (I’d never admit that though).

By 18, I had had a few boyfriends and realized maybe ‘looks’ were not the best way to choose a lifelong mate.  So, my husband had to be attractive (I mean I had to like looking at him), NO body hair, taller than me, fun to be around (yes – this is when I realized being friends before jumping into a relationship was probably a good idea), love the Lord (at this point I actually meant it), and somebody who made me feel comfortable in ‘us’ (like ‘us’ was a priority). Those were the attributes I’d admit to.  Deep down there were all these crazy expectations I didn’t even know I had.  I had built the ‘perfect’ man in mind, we’d never fight, he’d always see things my way, he’d take care of my every need (I probably meant ‘want’ and not ‘need’), he’d always give me his undivided attention, our philosophies on parenting and marriage would be exactly the same, and so on.  THAT was my dream man.

Then I met Justin.  He was not THAT dream man.  Sure, he met my superficial qualifications, but he wasn’t the man of my dreams.  Then I started to fall for the guy.  I didn’t want to fall for the guy.  I was just out of a crazy un-healthy relationship (and so was he), he wasn’t what I had been ‘praying for’, he just wasn’t THE guy, the dream guy.

But who am I kidding!? He had that smile (and dimples) that made me feel all giggly. He made me laugh like nobody ever had.  He went out of his way to make me feel appreciated.  He took on all that early baggage that came with my mess of a life and made me feel safe.  I fell in love with this man – and he wasn’t the man of my dreams.

I image that the many times in prayer, asking God for the ‘man of my dreams’, God must have found my prayers rather ridiculous and shallow.  I image a smirk on his face like only a parent can give.  The ‘you think you know what you want but you are SO wrong’ smirk.  A pat on the head and a ‘there there my poor naïve child’. Instead, all those years he was preparing Justin and me for the day we would choose each other. 

So, did I marry the man of my dreams? By God’s amazing grace HECK NO! I married the man I didn’t even know I needed.  I married the man who pushes me to better, even when I don’t like it.  I married the man who questions me when I know I’m right (I’m totally not) and makes me actually think through my decisions and opinions.  I married the man who comforts me when I’m falling apart. I married a man who is as determined as me to make this marriage work despite the crap we do to each other along the way.  I married the man who is so much better than anything my naïve 18 year old self could ever have imagined.  Marriage is NOT easy, it’s a whole lot more work than I ever thought it could be, but I’m grateful that Justin is the one I’m in it with.

Then...

Now...

You're A Parent And I Don't Trust You

I try not to be a helicopter mom.  I want my kids to be safe, but I also want them to experience the world and be given chances to make their own choices in it.  That does not mean, however, that I will not do my hardest to protect them and ease them into those choices as they are ready.

I struggle with this.  I struggle with saying “No” to my kids’ requests to go to a friend’s house (like 90% of the time).  But really, just because you are a parent doesn’t make you trustworthy.  By default, I will NOT trust you with my kids until you can prove otherwise.

Today while driving to work I felt justified in my feelings.  I was listening to a radio station where they were taking “Mother’s Day” calls about something “your mom let you do that she probably shouldn’t have”.  I listened to story after story of things like:

·         My mom took me and 3 friends down to Mexico for my 16^th birthday to get drunk. (when the radio host asked how the other parent’s friends felt she said that the mom never told them they were even going to Mexico).

·         My mom bought my whole swim team wine coolers for our post-game win celebration in high school.

·         My mom dropped us off at a concert in LA with some friends after the friend’s parents said she wasn’t allowed to go.

This stuff happens. I experienced it growing up (being from a strict home).  My parents had rules to protect me.  Like, you know, not drinking until it was legal.  So, when I went to a friend’s house and their mom offered us beer I would decline and call my parents to come get me. 

And as a parent, I will not be sending my kids to your house unless I trust you.  They are still too young to trust to make those choices.  ANOTHER example?  A few years ago we were at a friend’s house.  My kids were with us.  We were talking with our friend in one room and my kids were in another room with the friend’s mom (this is a woman with an ADULT son by the way).  My daughter comes to us crying and we find out that this friend’s mom thought it would be funny to stick a cigar in my daughter’s mouth and have her try it.  EXCUSE ME?! So, until they are old enough and wise enough to deem a situation safe for themselves, until they are old enough and wise enough to be able to stand up to their friends and/or adults, my kids will not go with you unless I trust you.  Parent or not.

ALSO! If you are one of the parents that are ok with this type of thing I have a hard time sympathizing with you later in life when your child is stuck in that loop.  Another example? Somebody I know would buy their daughter alcohol long before it was legal.  She was able to drink it at home or on vacation (‘special occasions’).  This daughter is now older and an alcoholic.  An angry alcoholic that has done a lot of damage to her family.  Are the parents the cause? Of course not.  That is a choice she had to make. But did they help her get there, heck yes they did.

EVEN on the school bus with Elijah on a 2^nd grade field trip there were issues! The bus driver had on the radio half the kids were singing along with this song about what this guy wanted to do to “her body”.  It had what the media calls “OK” swear words in it and although I’m sure most of those kids didn’t realize they were singing about several sexual acts, it is still ingrained in their head.

So, I’ll be that uptight mom that doesn’t let my kids do drugs or drink (once it’s legal for them it’s their choice).  I’ll be the one telling my kids not to swear or use vulgar language. I’ll be the one telling my kids any lie – is still a lie (they are ALL wrong) OR EVERY law is to be followed (if they don’t like it find legal ways to change it – breaking it is not ok).  I’ll be the one ensuring the music they listen to and the movies they watch are not full of things inappropriate for their age (not matter how catchy the toon or that ‘everyone’ is watching it). AND I will not trust you with my kids unless you can show me that, even if you don’t agree, you will support me on those choices when it comes to my kids.

None of us get this parenting thing 100% correct. I am not saying your way is better/worse than mine.  I am saying, that we can respect each other’s parenting decisions and if we can’t…our kids probably shouldn’t be hanging out anyway.

733

Over the weekend I began to feel nauseous. It would come in waves.

Was it a sign of pregnancy? Or was I just coming down with something? Maybe knowing the upcoming pregnancy test was a couple days away was giving me butterflies/nausea.

Regardless, I had to wait until Monday (today) to know for sure.  If you are savvy in the world of baby growing you may already know my results.

In case you aren't (or you missed it) the title of this blog is my HCG level.  733.

I am most definitely pregnant.

Prayer Requests:

• That this little girl continues to grow and she is strong and healthy
• That the nausea is manageable (maybe this time I wont lose wait the 1st trimester)
• That my Intended Parents (IP) can see Christ in us

It Has Begun!

Hey, remember me?  It's been awhile. I hope we are still friends.

The last couple of weeks have been crazy.  From illnesses, to packing our ENTIRE house, to unpacking our entire house, oh and this surrogacy thing.

Again?! Why yes, again.  Because the last one was a little rough we weren't sure we'd be back here.  Even when we decided to give it a shot we weren't expecting to actually get matched with a family.  We were being pickier then before and  I had the twins preemie. Not a good combination.

But to our surprise we met an amazing family.  We will call them P2 because both of their names start with P.  P2 are amazing.  We clicked when we met them and we are super excited to work with them.  Within the last 2 DAYS s a lot has happened:

• Match Agreement Signed
• Contract Signed
• Calendar Given (injection and transfer schedule)

In the last 2 days a whirlwind of paperwork ended with me realizing that in less than a month I could be carrying my 7th baby!  Justin pointed out that this will mean over half the babies I have carried will not be his.

And so the process begins (well officially next week). And as always we'd love your support in the form of prayers.  Specifically...

Prayer Requests

• P2 only have 1 embryo.  Let's pray this little girl sticks and that she is strong and healthy.
• Injections.  So many injections are coming.  I know they hurt, I don't expect anything less, but pray for a fast recoup between injections (soon to be 1-3 per day).
• And as always, pray that P2 can see Christ in us.  That our interactions with them just ooze with Christ's image on our lives. Side note, they MIGHT come to church with us when they are in CA which would be crazy awesome.

DISCLAIMER aka THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW

Click here for my Surrogacy FAQ. As always PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE contact Justin or I if you have questions or concerns. We are open and willing to share everything