We Are Selfish

We, as humans, are naturally selfish. You see it best expressed with kids as they are growing up. The word “mine”, pushing to be in front of the line, the always “one-upping” stories, and so on. We must learn to think of others. It is a skill to be practiced and refined.  Even those with that do this well still have the selfishness lingering and sometimes it likes to make an appearance.

So, that sums up this guilt weighing on me currently.  We had our first 4.5 hour “interview” with the adoption agent that talked all about our marriage and then my history (Justin and kids get to do theirs on Monday). It brought up some things that began making me second guess this whole thing…again.  The doubts creeping in.  Are these legitimate concerns or my selfishness pushing to the surface?

Required Allowance

Nobody should get money “just because”. My kids have the chance to EARN money each week. There is a list of household tasks that need to be done and a value assigned to each of them. They can do them and make good money or do nothing and make nothing. It is very important to us that our kids learn they need to work hard to achieve their goals.  We found out that we will be required to give the foster/adopted child an allowance no matter what. I hate this, like a lot.

Surrogacy Complications

We were just recently approached by our last surro family and asked to carry one more child for them. We agreed, and the plan was to start the process next summer after we get back from vacation (hiking national parks while pregnant and/or nauseous sounds like no fun).  When we first met with the agency we were very clear on these plans and told that it would be “OK”. We heard yesterday that we are not allowed to be pregnant at all while going through the foster/adopt process. The reasoning makes sense, but now I have this conflict of choosing what to do. I want to do both. I want to help my surro family AND adopt a little boy.  The AND is possible, but it makes things significantly more difficult for us and the timing much more “inconvenient”. Is this selfishness like I think it is? Or is it a legitimate concern that this inconvenience could be a bigger impact (a negative one) on our family? How do I balance making sure I take care of the family I have now with helping a child in a horrible situation? This is causing me much aching of the heart.  Like really, random tears for the last 18 hours.

This Won’t Be Easy

I appreciate the honesty of our Adoption Worker. She was very clear on what we are getting ourselves into.  It is very clear this will NOT be easy.  Our whole world will be constantly shifting as we adjust to adding a new child to our home. A child that is very likely to have some baggage to bring along because of the crappy stuff they’ve had to experience in their short life. A child we will need to love and attach to that has a possibility of being returned to their biological family anytime during the process.  Constant visitation hours that will likely be hard on the child and families involved. As we hear this I think, “This is a risk we are willing to take. This child deserves to be in a loving/healthy family. We can handle this.”, but then, “What about our kids? Can they handle this? Can they love a stranger (they totally can)? Can they handle the loss of a child they grow to love? Is this too much of a burden to place on them?”. Am I just trying to pass my selfishness off as concern about these things?

Potential Wasted Time

As we were finishing up the interview there are several things in my past that I would easily consider as “resolved” issues. Things I’ve been through that over the last 20+ years have worked through with friends, family, and my amazing husband.  So as the Worker hinted several times about being “open and willing” to attend counseling for these things for a few months before we are approved I sort of just get annoyed.  Again, deep down I understand WHY. They are going to be placing a child with a stranger. They SHOULD be vetting those people out and making sure they have the stuff together.  But why require counseling for something you see as a non-issue?  Couldn’t we just meet with somebody once to talk through to see if it is an issue? Why do I have to waste so much time (a precious and limited resource) and money on something that may not even be needed? I know this one is pure selfishness. I acknowledge that.

So, what’s the point of all of this? I have no idea what I’m doing. I have no idea what the “right” thing is. So, can you pray for us? Pray for God to work on our (my) hearts so that our desires align with HIS desires, so it is clear what the answers to our questions are.  That as we (I) struggle with all of these thoughts I am drawn closer to HIM.