We Are Selfish

We, as humans, are naturally selfish. You see it best expressed with kids as they are growing up. The word “mine”, pushing to be in front of the line, the always “one-upping” stories, and so on. We must learn to think of others. It is a skill to be practiced and refined.  Even those with that do this well still have the selfishness lingering and sometimes it likes to make an appearance.

So, that sums up this guilt weighing on me currently.  We had our first 4.5 hour “interview” with the adoption agent that talked all about our marriage and then my history (Justin and kids get to do theirs on Monday). It brought up some things that began making me second guess this whole thing…again.  The doubts creeping in.  Are these legitimate concerns or my selfishness pushing to the surface?

Required Allowance

Nobody should get money “just because”. My kids have the chance to EARN money each week. There is a list of household tasks that need to be done and a value assigned to each of them. They can do them and make good money or do nothing and make nothing. It is very important to us that our kids learn they need to work hard to achieve their goals.  We found out that we will be required to give the foster/adopted child an allowance no matter what. I hate this, like a lot.

Surrogacy Complications

We were just recently approached by our last surro family and asked to carry one more child for them. We agreed, and the plan was to start the process next summer after we get back from vacation (hiking national parks while pregnant and/or nauseous sounds like no fun).  When we first met with the agency we were very clear on these plans and told that it would be “OK”. We heard yesterday that we are not allowed to be pregnant at all while going through the foster/adopt process. The reasoning makes sense, but now I have this conflict of choosing what to do. I want to do both. I want to help my surro family AND adopt a little boy.  The AND is possible, but it makes things significantly more difficult for us and the timing much more “inconvenient”. Is this selfishness like I think it is? Or is it a legitimate concern that this inconvenience could be a bigger impact (a negative one) on our family? How do I balance making sure I take care of the family I have now with helping a child in a horrible situation? This is causing me much aching of the heart.  Like really, random tears for the last 18 hours.

This Won’t Be Easy

I appreciate the honesty of our Adoption Worker. She was very clear on what we are getting ourselves into.  It is very clear this will NOT be easy.  Our whole world will be constantly shifting as we adjust to adding a new child to our home. A child that is very likely to have some baggage to bring along because of the crappy stuff they’ve had to experience in their short life. A child we will need to love and attach to that has a possibility of being returned to their biological family anytime during the process.  Constant visitation hours that will likely be hard on the child and families involved. As we hear this I think, “This is a risk we are willing to take. This child deserves to be in a loving/healthy family. We can handle this.”, but then, “What about our kids? Can they handle this? Can they love a stranger (they totally can)? Can they handle the loss of a child they grow to love? Is this too much of a burden to place on them?”. Am I just trying to pass my selfishness off as concern about these things?

Potential Wasted Time

As we were finishing up the interview there are several things in my past that I would easily consider as “resolved” issues. Things I’ve been through that over the last 20+ years have worked through with friends, family, and my amazing husband.  So as the Worker hinted several times about being “open and willing” to attend counseling for these things for a few months before we are approved I sort of just get annoyed.  Again, deep down I understand WHY. They are going to be placing a child with a stranger. They SHOULD be vetting those people out and making sure they have the stuff together.  But why require counseling for something you see as a non-issue?  Couldn’t we just meet with somebody once to talk through to see if it is an issue? Why do I have to waste so much time (a precious and limited resource) and money on something that may not even be needed? I know this one is pure selfishness. I acknowledge that.

So, what’s the point of all of this? I have no idea what I’m doing. I have no idea what the “right” thing is. So, can you pray for us? Pray for God to work on our (my) hearts so that our desires align with HIS desires, so it is clear what the answers to our questions are.  That as we (I) struggle with all of these thoughts I am drawn closer to HIM.

Do I Even Know My Kids?

Nothing quite makes you question every parenting detail like being evaluated (judged) on your parenting abilities.

There’s always this little the voice in the back of your head that makes you question most of your choices, responses, conversations, rules, discipline techniques and so on. 

Should you have said that to her, maybe she isn’t old enough for that conversation?

Maybe grounding him for that was a bit excessive.

Why did you snap at her like that?

So, as we start the lengthy interview process with our adoption case worker for our home study my confidence of like 75% doing this parenting thing right has quickly dropped to like 50%.  They’re all alive, I feed them, I dress them, I make sure they get to school, I make sure they have a bed to sleep in (even though they beg to sleep on the floor), and we even keep the house at a reasonable temperature (most of the time). That covers 50%.

We haven’t even had our first interview yet (Next Thursday 12pm-4pm so you can be praying for that) and my confidence is dropping. Why? Because apparently, I know nothing about the kids’ lives and have no time in my life for kids. Is that an exaggeration? Most definitely. But I’m just being honest on how I’m FEELING at the moment, even though logically I know it is irrational.

Case Worker: So, when can you meet?

Me: Normally, we are pretty flexible, but Justin’s school schedule right now is crazy packed because he has so little time to fit in a TON of observation hours.

Case Worker: So, what day works best? We can only meet Monday-Friday during regular business hours.

Me: Um, right now… he is only free on Thursdays from 12PM-4PM because of class and/or class hours and/or work.

Case Worker: We usually meet at 9Am or 2PM, can you make that work?

Me: Not in the next 3 weeks. Maybe after that, but I’m not sure about that either because he’ll have hours to do at a different school and we don’t know that school’s schedule yet.

Case Worker: Is your schedule always this busy? (that’s what she said, what I heard was, “So, do you have time to take on another kid? Do you have time for your kids? Why are you such horrible people?”)

Me: Not usually, this semester has just been a lot busier than others.

Case Worker: Well after we finish your interviews we’ll need to meet with the kids. When do they get out of school?

Me: Um… sometime around 3

Case Worker: You don’t know when they get out? (that’s what she said, what I heard was, “Why don’t know you when your kids get out of school? Don’t you love them? Shouldn’t you know every detail about their lives?)

Me: Well…they are in an after school program that takes them as soon as they get out of class until we pick them up around 5:00ish.  So, we never pick them up when they actually get out so I’m not sure. I know it is around 3 because we have picked them up for a special date a couple of times at 3.

Case Worker: But you don’t know the exact time?

Me: No, I can call the school and ask though.

Case Worker: No, its fine (that’s what she said, what I heard was, “You’re sort of a horrible mother”)

And with less than a week away before she begins asking us every detail of our lives (from birth to now) and marriage I’m sort of freaking out!  I mean, she hasn’t even officially started the interview and I feel like I failed.  Even as I write this and ask for prayer that it goes well I wonder if I really mean that. I keep getting these doubts creeping in. Can we handle this? How messed up have we made our kids already? Should we really mess up another kid? I want you all to pray it goes well because I KNOW that is the right thing, but my mild panic is whispering that if it doesn’t go well all of this will be over quickly and we will move on with our lives like they are now so no big deal. I feel like a horrible human for admitting that. I’m not looking for reassurances, I’m just “talking it out” with myself in a very public format because then I can’t hide from dealing and processing it all.

And every time I get on the brink of calling it quits I stop focusing on ME (because at my roots I’m a broken and selfish human) and focus on that little boy.  AND then, my heart shifts from ME to HIM.  And then mostly I get a little choked up.  HE deserves a life where he feels loved, safe, and cared for.  I can do that. We can do that. I may not get “parenting” right every day, but every day I do love them.

OK, moping over.  Let’s look at this picture of my awesome kids and move on now.

In 3-6 Months

Today we met with Olive Crest. Although it sounds like it should be some sort of delicious tapenade, which sounds amazingly delicious right now, it is in fact an agency that is partnering with us to make us a family of 6.

The countdown has begun.

In 3-6 months we will be approved and start the waiting process. Assuming we aren't deemed insane or dangerous... so no guarantees. Holy cow!

We are very much OVER babies. To all my friends that have them, we are happy to babysit for you anytime.  But over are the days of never sleeping in, potty training, changing diapers, and worrying about every exposed cable or button in sight. Which means we want an older child. A boy between ages 6-8 to be exact.

And we found out today that it is not only possible, but can happen quicker than we expected.  I had we were going to do a foster-to-adopt situation. That is the "normal" way things work when adopting through the county (not private).  The foster process usually lasts 12-18 months (time for reconciliation so the child can go back home with their family, which is obviously the goal). THEN the adoption process would start which can be another 12 months.  BUT since we are looking for an older child we could actually bypass the foster process.

What I mean is, the child would have already been with a foster family for 12-18 months.  The court would have decided reconciliation is not possible and ordered the adoption process to start which means the child must be placed in a adoptive situation (aka our house).

Hearing that today has me excited, but feeling super guilty about that excitement. In order for us to have a child placed with us that kid has to go through a lot of crap. It feels weird being excited about that. Obviously the crap isn't what I'm excited about, but I feel the need to remind myself that adoption for these kids isn't how it is "supposed" to be.  But we are ready (well getting ready) to give this kid a stable, although some what crazy, life as part of Team Davis.

Pray for us please.  There is no fund raising needed (it will be 'free' to adopt through Olive Crest), just lots of prayers for what I know will be a difficult time as we wait. Wait to find out if we are approved. Wait to find a child to welcome to our home. Wait to make him part of our family.

For now, paper work, buying emergency escape ladders, fire extinguishers, and locks for all dangerous things.

Why I Gave Up

Funny story… so in January 2017 I shared with you all we were wanting to adopt. I was excited about adding a young school aged boy to our home. We prepped Eli’s room with bunk beds and got “brother’s bed” ready.

Then the paperwork.

50+ pages of information and questions.

And rules.

The rules freaked me out.

I was all for adopting until I started reading the pages and pages of “rules” it takes (foster to adopt) that would very much disrupt our lives. I KNOW that is selfish. Even typing it is super embarrassing, but I’m just being honest and sharing my crap with you all – because why not?

I can’t leave my kids with several family members due to past legal issues. I can’t travel to see my parents on a whim (because they are out of county and that takes prior court approval). I can’t use our trusted Youth Group peeps to babysit anymore. And so on.

I didn’t like that. Not to mention the amount of “all-up-in-yo-business” questions that range from how often do you and your spouse fight (and how do you fight) to how “sexually compatible” me and Justin are.

So… I gave up. This was too much work. Causing too much “unknown” for my overly-planned out heart.

THEN, we started listening to some stuff by Francis Chan. If you don’t know him, watch and read all his things. I’m pretty sure it is completely impossible to walk away from anything he presents and not feel some sort of conviction.

He was talking about marriage and how people say things like “We could never do XYZ like you”.  And he said neither can he! It’s by the Grace of God he gets through things. It is our job to make the leap and let God fit together the pieces.

I don’t like that. I like knowing what’s coming. I like some semblance of control. YES I know this is NOT the right attitude.  Hence the conviction.

So here we are, app in hand (making Justin refill the whole thing out since I threw away the first one) and we’re going to go for it.  So, pray for us (me) please.  If God wants us to welcome anther kiddo into our family, then pray for peace for me to go with the flow and take it all one manageable chunk at a time. If it isn’t His plan, pray we find out soon so I don’t have this looming uncertainty that I super-duper hate (but that’s probably the lesson I need to learn regardless of the outcome).

A New Type of Nickname

Growing up, my parents were always very honest with me.  I was an inquisitive child.  I asked a question, they gave me an answer.  They didn’t really dumb it down either.  Whether that was always intentional or related to the fact that they were teenagers raising a child who just HAD to know EVERYTHING.  All that to say I knew a lot about things kids my age had never heard of.

When raising our kids, Justin and I decided on a quite similar approach.  There have been times we have told them we are NOT giving them the full answer because they were not ready to process it all.  Add to that the fact we were a surrogate family which involved a lot of explanation to the kids about how the baby I was carrying was NOT our baby – which involved a lot of explanation about the difference in a baby mom and dad created vs IVF.  Needless-to-say, my kids know quite a bit about growing babies and understand clearly that mom and dad are incapable of growing their own.

Then adoption came up.  As we explained that we might bring home another brother.  Not a baby brother, but a brother their age, they understood.  They understood that for some reason another mom and dad couldn’t take care of their son so we would help for a while (foster) and if after some time, they still weren’t able he would join our family permanently (adopt).  We’ve been having these conversations with them for about a year.

That being said, for Christmas I got this awesome gift from my mother-in-law.  I’m not typically a jewelry gal, but this I love.

Jordan sat with me one day being an awesome cuddler, playing with the necklace and then this happened:

Jordan: Mommy, this isn’t a very good necklace.

Me: Why? I love it.

Jordan: It will make our new brother sad.

Me: It will?

Jordan: yeah, his name isn’t on here.  That’s not fair.

Me: Maybe I can get a new one or we can figure out how to add him.

Jordan: I know! We can just name him Taylor, Jordan, or Elijah!

Me: We don’t get to name him.

Jordan: We can just give him a new nick name.

Me: That’s not really how nick names work.

Jordan: No, it’s OK.  It’s a great idea.

My kids are ready for a brother.  Justin and I are ready for a son.  Let’s hope our adoption agency actually gets back to us AND when they do it is good news (that we qualify).

A Tale of 6 Davis'?

So the original Davis blog was, "A Tale of Four Davis".  We used to have 2 kids.  We used to have 1 kid.  We didn't have much married life without a kid in the mix.

But 2 kids, that was 'normal'.  When we announced our 3rd the comments / remarks / disapproval / concerns really began.

• 3 kids are too many
• 3 kids are too expensive
• They'll out number you
• You wont have time for all of them
• You don't have room for all of them
• Why would you want that many
• Good thing Justin is getting "fixed"

Really, I mean really-really, all of that didn't really bother me.  3 kids was overwhelming at times (especially in the beginning), but we made it work.  As they've gotten older it has gotten easier - not EASY, but easier.  We've gotten better at balancing our time with them so they each get their one-on-one time.  We've gotten better at learning how to parent each one a little differently because they are NOT the same.  Sometimes our tempers are short.  Sometimes we have to seek forgiveness from them when we screw up.  Sometimes we can't buy the new and fancy things because we have 5 mouths to feed.

And that is ok.

We have hit our groove. We are NOT perfect.  We can be rather bad at parenting at times.  But we're learning from our mistakes and learning how to love our kids better every day (I can feel Justin's judgement at the cliche of what I just said).

So, when we started toying with the idea of adding another child to our home it seemed like a good idea.  The Davis' - a 4 child family?  You say you have (or are going to have) 4 kids and all of a sudden you are a psychopath.  WHY?

• You should buy a house first: Why? Does owning a home mean we will suddenly be better parents?  Does going into debt again mean we're suddenly more financially stable?
• You need a bigger home first: Why?  If we have 2 girls in their own room and Elijah in his own room - it is ok, but if Eli now has to share a room suddenly our house is too small?  Between church and school, we don't spend that much time at home anyway.
• You need more money: Do we? We are debt free.  Again, we don't always have new shiny things.  We can't always go out to eat with friends.  But every month we have enough to save for our future home, enough to set aside some family fun cash, enough to pay for each of the kids to do an 'extra curricular' activity, enough that we can save a little for each of the kid's futures. 

SO instead of being super negative, can you pray for us?  Instead of secretly gossiping about how crazy we are, can you talk to us?  Our adoption journey has begun.  We don't know what it will look like.  We don't know if we'll ever actually be able to give Elijah a brother. BUT we could use your support :)  Support in the form of conversations (if you have doubts lets talk through them).  Support in the form of babysitting offers (not very many people will take 4 kids).  But most importantly, support in the form of prayer.  Prayer that God prepare our hearts AND our kids' hearts to welcome a new boy to our home.  Prayer for our future son (just FYI we're trying for a 6-8 year old), that he can make the transition.