Normal Conversations 10th Edition

So we do monthly date nights with the kids (swapping months). This month was mommy date nights so for 3 Fridays in the month one of the kids gets a one-on-one date night with me.  Tonight was Eli's date night.

Here are just a few of the fantastic conversations we had in the car.

Elijah: Oooh! Flame Broiler. Wait, I don't know why I said "oooh", I don't even like Flame Broiler.
Me: It's delicious
Elijah: Mom, I'm older and wiser now. I can have my own perspections now.

Elijah: Mom, who was smarter in 3rd grade? Me or Jordan?
Me: I don't know, you both have things you are good at.
Elijah: It's ok, I know it is Joran. She actually pays attention to things.

Elijah: I wish I was a plant so I could eat air and make everyone be able to breath. That'd be cool.

Normal Conversations 9th Edition

This one is all about Jordan:

The Home Folder
::Kids doing homework in the car on the way to worship practice. Eli rummaging through his backpack searching for his math sheet pulling out wads of paper::
Eli: I can't find it
Jordan: Is it in your homework folder?
Eli: No, I just shove it in here ::indicating his backpack::
Jordan: Why don't you put it in the homework folder?
Eli: I just put it in here
Jordan: But if it was in the homework folder you could find it
Eli: Here it is!
::Eli finishes homework and shoves it in backpack::
Jordan: Why don't you put it in your homework folder?
::Eli doesn't respond and throws his backpack on the floor. Jordan picks up his backpack and takes out his homework and puts it in the homework folder::

At least one of the kids got my over-organizational skills.

Reading
Jordan: I'm reading a book at school right now called Friendsle (no idea how to spell it). Daddy, can I borrow your Friendsle?
Justin: That's not a real thing
Jordan: You need to read more books

Tooth Fairy (Thief)
So we've never done the tooth fairy with my kids so they know it isn't a thing...
Me: (to another adult) So I realized, my dad saved all my baby teeth so I kept all my kids' baby teeth. I have no idea why. So when I was cleaning yesterday I realized there was no reason to keep them and threw them out.
Jordan: WHAT?! You threw away my teeth?
Me: I don't know, maybe. To be honest I'm not even sure if they were yours or not. I never labeled the bag.
::Now at home Jordan rushes out of my room with a wad in her pocket::
Me: What are you doing?
::Jordan whips out a wad of plastic bags::
Jordan: They're my teeth! You can't throw them away.
Me: You're weird.
Jordan: I'm never going to let them out of my sight!
Me: Are you getting in the shower now? Are you taking them with you?
Jordan: No, I'm going to...wait! You're going to go in there and throw them away aren't you? I'm going to hide them where you'll never find them!
::later after the shower she comes into my room and starts going through my drawers::
Jordan: Where are the rest of them?
::I find the container of teeth and hand them to her. She squeals with eery delight::
Jordan: YAY teeth!
Me: I don't even know if those are yours.
Jordan: They're MINE you can't have them!
Justin: ...serial killer...
Jordan: No, they aren't YOUR teeth

Normal Conversations 8th Edition

Elijah: ::crying:: We are out of bread.
Me: We're trying to use up all the food we have before we leave for Thanksgiving. Make something else.
Elijah: But I want Peanut Butter and Jelly
Me: Then put it on a tortilla
Elijah: That's a great idea!
::comes back out a few minutes later::
Elijah: Mom, do we have a marker you can eat?
Me: Huh?
Elijah: Like so I can draw a straight line on my tortilla so it is exactly in half. One side for jelly and one side for peanut butter.
Me: No. Why don't you just fold it in half?
Elijah: Oh! That's a great idea.

……

He's obviously gotten a little OCD from his father.

Normal Conversations 7th Edition

::the kids competing in a video game::

Eli: Daddy is the best at all games
Taylor: No he is not. I know for sure he is not.
Eli: Yes, any game we play with him he wins
Taylor: It's because he's been playing games for like 30 years. How long have you been playing? You're like 5 or 6 years old?
Eli: I'm 8! I've had 8 birthdays. Don't you know how to count?
Taylor: Of course I do, but I don't count your birthdays
Eli: I count yours, you've had 11, that's why you're eleven years old.

Normal Conversations 6th Edition

It is time. The most horrible time. It is the dark days…of Santa Ana Winds. I hate windy weather. It is horrible. Random bursts of dirt in your eyes, hair in your mouth, or so much static that your clothes (and hair) cling to your body. It is the worst.  And these horrid winds is what triggered this edition of Normal Conversations.

Elijah: Can I go outside and play with my ball?

Me: No, it is too windy. It will blow away

Elijah: It isn’t too windy

Me: Go stand outside and see

::Taylor and Eli go outside, but only Eli returns::

Elijah: It isn’t too windy

Me: It has big gusts buddy

::Taylor comes in with crazy static and wind blow hair::

Taylor: Woah, why is it like that?

Me: Santa Ana winds. The worst.

Elijah: When will the Sammy Annie winds go away?

I’m totally not correcting him. They are now forever called Sammy Annie winds.

Normal Conversations 5th Edition

I'm pretty sure I'm not using "edition" correctly.  But what went from a one time blog turned into a thing...so I'm just going with it.

::watching t.v. with Jordan::

Character on show: What you did is unforgivable!
Jordan: Well, I guess he isn't Christian


::while finding something to eat::
Me: Jordan, how about a crunchy granola bar?
Jordan: ooo
Me: I like mine with peanut butter...but you don't like peanut butter.
Jordan: I HATE it. Hates a strong word. Hate is the perfect word to use.


::seeing a band-aid on Jordan's leg::
Me: What happened to your leg? Did you cut it shaving?
Jordan: I don't shave.
Me: Right answer, you pass the test.
Jordan: Can I shave?
Me: No

Normal Conversations 4th Edition

We do this thing at dinner. We call it best parts and worst parts. We go around the table and ask the best part of the day and the worst part of the day.  Apparently, this is a "thing". I only started it because asking kids 5 and under (which is the age we started this at) about their day was very uninformative, but asking specific questions made it a lot better.

Any way, now to the normal conversation for the night...

Eli: Daddy' what was your best part about today?
Justin: Hanging out with mommy
Me: We didn't hang out
Jordan: Sure you did! You were kissing. That's hanging out.
Justin: You're never allowed to hang out with anyone...ever

::a few minutes later while cleaning up dinner I walk by Justin and give him a kiss:

Jordan: Look! You're hanging out again!

Normal Conversations 3rd Edition

Note: This blog contains some gross information so unless you want to get all up in our personal business stop reading. You’ve been warned.  Know that the kids know a lot about reproductive things because of the surrogacy we’ve done (although they do not all know the ‘how’ a baby is made they know what is needed for the baby to grow).

This story comes after several months of horrible menstrual cycles that have caused crippling pain and multiple incidents of blood gushes causing what looks like murder scenes on the floor.

::I pick the kids up from school and Eli runs up to me::

Eli: Hi Mommy

Me: Hey buddy, how was school?

Eli: Good! Why are you here?

Me: To pick you up so we can go to church

Eli: ::looks puzzled for a moment:: Oh, you can leave the house because there are paper towels at school and church!

Me: huh?

Eli: So, if like your period is really bad and there’s lots of blood you can just use paper towels to clean it all up ::saying this at full volume as more kids are being picked up by parents all around us::

Me: Um, I guess, but I’m fine so I don’t need to worry about that

Eli: but just in case

Me: Sure

::a few minutes later::

Eli: Mommy?

Me: What?

Eli: Mommy?

Me: What?

Eli: Mommy?

Me: What?

Eli: Mommy?

Me: ::silence::

Eli: ::finally begins talking:: I know why we don’t have space ships don’t exist

Me: Why?

Eli: Because we don’t have enough money to build it. But when we do we can make one and go back in time

Me: No, it is just not a real thing buddy. We can’t travel in time.

Eli: But if you did, you can’t change anything! Like with the guy and his kite. If you cut the string on the kite, then we’d never discover electricity.

Me:… sure buddy.

Normal Conversations 2nd Edition

::Taylor hits Elijah in the head with a pillow::

Eli: OWWWWWWW ::cry:: ::whine:: Taylor hurt me

Taylor: It was a pillow, it didn't hurt that bad

Eli: Well...you don't hurt that bad (said in a mean/sarcastic tone)

Me: Eli, why are you trying to be mean and hurtful? Go to your room to cool off.

Eli: ::cry whine::

5 minutes later

Me: Eli come to the table for dinner

::Eli runs out butt naked::

Me: Eli, we don't come to dinner naked. Get pants on.

::Eli leaves and comes back with a blanket on him::

Me: Eli, why are you still naked? Why are you naked at all? I told you to go to your room? Where are your clothes?

::Eli just stares at me giggling:

Taylor: Eli! Get pants on! Mom, I can't eat with him all naked like that.

Me: Eli! Go get clothes on

::Eli comes out with shorts on::

Taylor: Gosh! Mom, I can still see his chest!!

Me: Taylor, get over it

Jordan: Oh, OK! We are allowed to eat without shirts on! ::starts to lift her shirt::

Me: NO! Girls keep their clothes on and boys keep their pants on for dinner! This isn't complicated or new!

Normal Conversations 1st Edition

On this edition of "Normal Conversation" we find that Jordan has not yet given up her serial killer tendencies.

Enjoying National Cheeseburger Day at Farmer Boys with $1 burgers a young man approaches our table staring at Jordan and smiling.  Jordan, after a moment of gathering herself seeing a person she knows out of context, says, "Oh, its a friend from school".  But that's nothing special we chatted, finished our meal, the young lad gave Jordan a "gift", I glared judgingly (apparently that's not a word) at the back of his head as he walked away.

In the car on the way home...

Me: What was that kid's name? Matthew?

Jordan: Ethan. Mom, I thought you said we weren't going to be a long time? Now I won't have time to play with my friends!

Me: We are leaving so late because you stopped to talk to friends.

Justin: Yeah, you are getting mad about leaving friends to hang out with friends so you wont have time to hang out with friends.

Me: You have too many friends. Stop having friends.

Jordan: I have a friend at school and after I stabbed him...

Justin/Me: What? Back up. What do you mean you stabbed him.

Jordan: with a toothpick, but then...

Justin: Jordan, you really shouldn't stab people.

Jordan: No, its fine. He doesn't care.

Justin: Nobody likes being stabbed.

Jordan: No, after I did it he was like, its OK.

Justin: No.  We don't stab our friends.