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Monday, April 13, 2015

A Long Weekend

Insight into my weekend – don’t read this if you don’t want to hear of many bodily functions and gross things.  You’ve been warned.

Friday started out great.  I had an ultrasound showing two babies at the right stage and development.  I had Tri Tip Man for lunch.  And then I was headed to church to lead worship with my hubby (one of my favorite things to do).

We got through practice and my nausea started to kick in.  I went the bathroom to puke and pee.  After finishing I noticed some blood.  I’ve had light bleeding and heavy bleeding before during a pregnancy and I KNEW it could be nothing…but it could also be something.  I sat a moment longer and noticed the bleeding increase and also started minor cramps.  I convinced myself it was likely nothing and headed back to stage to start the worship set with Justin.

Half way through the 2nd song the cramping got worse.  I felt the bleeding also get worse.  I began to feel light headed and panicked.  As soon as that song was over I headed off stage and back to the bathroom. As I sat there I prayed for those babies – whatever was happening in that moment with my body and those babies.  I prayed that God’s will be fulfilled even if the outcome was not what I was hoping for.  Then I saw a small pea sized blood clot and thought… I’ve had clotting problems before.  Maybe the bleeding is because of this clot.  Or maybe that clot is the baby.

I don’t cry that often or easily, but I sort of lost it in that moment.  Sitting at church on the toilet silently crying in the stall.

I lay down until the service was over to tell Justin what was going on and then headed home and just slept.
When I woke up on Saturday the bleeding had turned to very light spotting and the cramping as gone.  The nausea was not at all gone.  Between Friday afternoon and today I’ve had a total of 1 slice of pizza, a handful of crackers, and a small burger.  All of which were difficult to even make myself swallow or keep down once I managed that.

I heard back from Dr. L’s office this morning and they asked me to come in for an ultrasound a few days earlier than scheduled.

In the ultrasound Baby A’s heartbeat was instantly seen.  She was alive and well.  Dr. L had a little bit of a harder time finding Baby B.  He did find Baby B’s sac, but that was all.  He said that it could just be too early to tell since I am only 6 weeks 1 day.  He said Baby B could still be there and growing, he just can’t see it right now.  So for now to still call it twins with another ultrasound next week to confirm.

For the sake of my IP (intended parents) I’m hoping and praying both babies are growing – strong and healthy.  But my gut is telling me what I experienced on Friday was not “normal”.  Which also makes me feel horrible.  

What if it’s my body that handle twins?  I say it’s ok to transfer to 2 embryos and then lose 1 at about 5 weeks both times?  Is that coincidence or my body saying I’m crazy for thinking I could handle twins.  If it’s my body then that means it’s my fault that one of those babies didn’t survive and THAT SUCKS.  It’s like setting one of them up to fail before we even start.  Today, that is the weight I’m feeling.

The loss of a baby’s life is always hard.  The thought that the loss of that life is my fault has a whole new kind of weight attached.

I am grateful and thrilled that 1 baby is doing well, but I will also be preparing to mourn the loss of the other.  We won’t know “for sure” until next Tuesday, but I just have a feeling…


  • My new nausea medication kicks in fast so I can eat
  • That both babies are actually there and growing and we just couldn’t see it
  • Comfort for my IP as they await the next ultrasound
  • That my family can be an example of Christ to my IP and their family.

Click here for my Surrogacy FAQ. As always PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE contact Justin or I if you have questions or concerns. We are open and willing to share everything

Friday, April 10, 2015


Just this morning I got the awesome chance to be in the room as my sister surrogate had her first ultrasound.  Her results are her business and won’t share those, but it was pretty awesome to be there and watch as somebody waited to hear how many babies were growing in her belly.  The whole room was quiet and anticipation on faces as the count began.

Then it was my turn.  Now after having several babies, especially some that are not yours the whole “privacy” thing seems sort of silly.  During birth I had friends and family see my lady parts…some of them for the first time… and I’m sure it wasn’t a pretty picture.  HOW could it be?!  You also have all sorts of doctors and nurses looking at your nether regions…sticking things in there…stretching things…

So at this point, when it comes to baby related processes it doesn’t really matter much who is in the room, so if you were wondering if it was awkward to have 1 doctor, 2 nurses, and 1 other surrogate in the room…it was not.

So I lay there staring intently at the ultrasound screen as the doctor began to count.  Now to be honest, as soon as the ultrasound started I saw 2 “bubbles”.  But that doesn’t mean there are 2 babies.  1 could not be developing.

But that was not the case this time.  There were 2 babies at the appropriate developmental stage.  And the doctor says there is a 90% chance they will both continue to grow.

So ladies and gentleman, it looks like I’m having twins.

I’ve been freaking out about the thought of twins UNTIL last week.  When my hCG numbers were high and the thought of triplets crossed my mind.  AND THEN I get an hCG number at 15,000 this week and start to seriously consider that one of those embryos split into two and I was having triplets.  So it’s funny how knowing now there are twins is rather a relief.  2 is FAR better than 3.  So I went from being terrified of having twins to excitement that is ONLY twins.


  • My nausea sticks to mornings.  So far so good, mostly

  • These babies are HEALTHY and growing normally

  • That I will NOT need to go on bed rest, that I will NOT have to miss extra work, and that I will NOT need a C-Section

  • That my family can be an example of Christ to my IP (Intended parents) and their family.

Click here for my Surrogacy FAQ. As always PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE contact Justin or I if you have questions or concerns. We are open and willing to share everything

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Spiders, Blood, and Retainers (it makes sense)

So yesterday was really of no importance, but things happened that got my brain moving and so I’m sharing completely random things with you because of it.  Which I guess is not much different than normal.

The Spider Dream

I had a dream that I stopped by an old friend’s house to say hi to her parents.  My kids started running around chasing a “lizard” in their front yard.  I briefly saw that lizard race by me and thought, ‘that doesn’t look like a lizard’.  A moment later it ran by again with what looked like a giant spider in its mouth, but at closer look it was in fact a SPIDER with a LIZARD in its mount and that spider was eating the lizard whole (I know this is physically impossible, but it was very real in my dream).  I told the kids to stop chasing that thing only to have Taylor come up to me with a huge chunk of flesh missing from her arm saying “The lizard tried to eat me”.  Justin came to the rescue and shoved the spider in his mouth and just chewed away…yellow gooey stuff pouring from his mouth.
In hindsight... that is a little like he just ate a portion of our daughter’s arm… sicko.

Jordan’s Clumsiness

Jordan is the queen of epic injuries.  She doesn’t do “small” so on Sunday she tripped and took a quarter inch triangle chunk of skin off her toe.  She took it like champ while I scrubbed that open wound with alcohol.  Then she followed that up by jumping off swings and landing on her knees on Tuesday resulting in bloody knees.  The good news is Justin now has a medical kit in his car for such occasions.  

Fake Retainers

As the dentist explained to me that Taylor will likely need braces (not surprised) I had to reassure Taylor that braces aren’t that bad.  I then remembered that in my late elementary days I thought braces looked awesome and wished I could have them.  I proceeded to painfully sculpt a paperclip to fit around my teeth to look like a retainer.  I wore it for like a week.  Nobody noticed.  I was sad, and my teeth hurt, and it tasted horrible.

Thursday, April 2, 2015


So at 11:30 yesterday I headed to Dr. L’s office to get my blood drawn and then begin the 2 hour – torturous wait for my results.
3 hours passed…
My sister surrogate and I shared messages of angst as we waited…
4 hours passed…
My Case Worker joined in the wait with much anticipation and even called to find out a time…
5 hours passed…
I began packing up to leave work, now realizing I wouldn’t find out for another hour or more since I’d be driving and unable to read a text or answer a phone call.
I grabbed my purse and my phone chimed.  My Case Worker got the results BOTH OF US WERE PREGNANT!
Shortly after I got a phone call with my numbers, 1,455.  I vaguely remember my number being around 500 last time, at this same time.  This was nearly triple!! WHAT?!
I emailed Dr. L’s office to make sure I heard correct.  I did.  I go in tomorrow for another blood test to make sure that number is rising (it should about double every 3 days if I remember correctly).
So now we wait until the ultrasound (somewhere after 6 weeks – which is 2 weeks away) to listen for baby(ies) heartbeat(s) and count the number of heartbeats.
Prayer Requests:
·         So far I have NOT been nauseous.  If you remember, last time around this time I was nauseous ALL DAY EVERY DAY.  I lost a TON of weight my first trimester because I could not eat anything no matter how hard I tried.  Pray this continues and I have a nice easy first trimester

·         Pray that my anxiety about having twins subsides since there is a 60% chance that is what I’m having and that I will not have to miss any extra work due to complications

·         Pray these babies are healthy and strong and no “tough choices” will EVER have to be dealt with during this pregnancy

·         As always, pray that my IP (Intended Parents) see Christ through me.  That they have an amazing peace during this time as somebody else takes care of their babies for the next 8ish months.
Click here for my Surrogacy FAQ. As always PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE contact Justin or I if you have questions or concerns. We are open and willing to share everything