If you don't know, the family is in Beijing. Up until recently, we were able to see each other a couple times a year since they have houses locally in CA that they visit. I carried their first baby girl about 2 years ago and only agreed to doing a 4th surrogacy because of how close we had become over the last few years.
Once I heard China/US flights were locking down I began to grow nervous. What does this look like if they can't be here?
I kept pushing the thoughts away to try not and dwell on the "what ifs". I kept telling myself we had months to be in clear...there was no way this whole Corona Virus thing would still be an issue for that long.
Then CA issued the stay-at-home order 2 months before the due date and things got crazy. It was clear at this point that the parents would not be able to come for health reasons, so what now?
After talking things over with Justin and the kids we offered to take care of the baby until he could be taken home to Beijing.
They were worried it would be a burden. They told us that we were already doing so much for them they couldn't imagine asking more from us. I didn't push back (although I wanted to). There was this awkward tension. Do I try to convince them it isn't a burden? Honestly with 5 sets of hands in the house it would be easier than when I had to do it with any of my own. BUT what if in trying to convince them I make them nervous?
There is this thing...deep down I think almost everyone has thought it (very few are honest enough to express it) that assume a surrogate MUST experience some attachment with the baby she carries. She MUST be heartbroken to let the baby go. She MUST feel that maternal bond.
Having done this 4 times now, I want to tell you that isn't necessarily true. I try to tell people (the ones honest enough to ask those questions) that is like babysitting for a close a friend. I love my friends babies and would take care of them anytime. We miss those kids when we don't see them for awhile, because we totally love those kids, but in the end we are not "attached" to them like our own. That is what surrogacy is like.
Getting excited to hear the heartbeat like a friend telling us they are pregnant. That's the feeling.
BUT I didn't push with the parents to try and convince them to let us care for the baby. I didn't want them to feel that we were trying to take anything from them. So with only a couple of months to figure it out suddenly everyone was scrambling to figure out what to do.
They landed on having a close friend of theirs who lives in LA take care of the baby. This was hard for me at first. A strange man (strange to me) taking care of this baby boy in place of his parents. This man who had no connection to baby. Would he love and cuddle him like he needed? I pictured some horrible orphanage from movies with babies having their basic needs met but laying there alone the rest of the time.
Obviously, deep down, I knew they wouldn't trust a person like that to take care of the baby and once we all connected and starting chatting it eased my mind. They were also hiring a nanny to live with them to care for the baby since he hadn't had any children of his own.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks before the due date. We find out the hospital will only let this man in (not the nanny) due to Corona Virus restrictions. Everyone decided it would be better for the baby to stay with Justin and I at the hospital instead. That made for a chaotic couple of weeks trying to get legal documents in order. I kept waking up every morning grateful I was still pregnant until we had the signed papers. A few days before the due date everything was in order. Baby Mason would be spending a couple nights with us and it was a huge relief.
I suddenly realized how scared I had been to never get to meet this dear baby boy. Without the parents at the hospital he would have been taken out of the room immediately, no pictures or anything. Now I would have the chance to meet him and still be there to "introduce" him to his mommy and daddy (even if it would be over facetime). That was a huge relief.
I mean, that's why I do this. To help a family grow. To have that moment taken away would have been so much more devastating than I had realized.
So how did it play out in reality? That'll be tomorrow's blog.
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