Today is my last day and I have such a variety of emotions that I’m not sure how to process it all. I am mostly SUPER excited about my new role. There are so many new things to learn and do! After the excitement creeps I the fear… what if all my confidence going in…all my “I know I can do this and be good at it!” feelings are just…well feelings? What if I fail? I know I’m a quick learner and I’m adaptable, but I don’t want to let down the new people I will be working with. I want to hit the ground running and actually be helpful and not a hindrance. If that makes sense.
After the fear comes sadness. This I think is where my heart is today. I’m only going “upstairs” but to be honest and transparent, I am horrible at “keeping in touch”. This is a huge flaw of mine. I adore my friends and think and pray for them often, but if I don’t see you, I don’t talk to you. NOT because I care about you less or because I’ve “moved on”, but I just don’t enjoy talking on the phone and I frequently forget to write (emails or letters). This is coming from the girl that has all of her “thank you” cards from her wedding still sitting in a drawer… (5 years old, I know, I told you I’m horrible!!).
The girls I work with are my closest/dearest friends. I love then unconditionally and would do anything for them. They know me in ways nobody else does and the love me. The care for me. They pray for me. They are there for me (I should be a rapper!)
I’m scared/sad I’m going to lose that. I’m dreading the fact that I may not know how JC’s first day of first grade went. I’m scared that I may not be around when Amelyn and the girls move out to help “grandma” cope with the change. I’m worried I can’t be a needed ear to hear or shoulder to cry on. I feel this since of aloneness (is that a word? I assume so since spell check didn’t yell at me).
It is hard for me to make friends. I’m pretty shy actually. Once I know you that is another story (then I’m an open book that won’t shut up!) But I don’t make friends easy. I’m nervous and awkward. It takes a lot for me to trust somebody as completely as I trust my “girls” (at work, not children in this instance). I don’t want to lose them and based on my record it will slowly happen. I’m determined to make sure it doesn’t! But I’m just looking at my history and doesn’t history repeat itself?
I wanted to include a list of things I’ll miss/remember – some of this wont make sense unless you were around for it (sorry):
I’ll miss our parties – for holidays (like national cupcake day), birthdays, or just because
I’ll remember our episode with the gnats
I’ll miss the giggles as we overhear somebody say something odd over the phone “can I have the last four digits of your last four digits”
I’ll remember “she said that?!”
I’ll miss head scratches and back rubs
I’ll remember split lunches and the horrible TGI service (Mo will never have lunch with us again)
I’ll miss Fat Fridays
I’ll remember the best email typos EVER
I’ll miss (this is weird but true) stopping mid conversation to answer the phone and picking up right where you left of (mostly) when it was done.
I’ll remember Mr. Sunshine and Mr. Moon
I’ll miss pretty much everything and everyone.
Needless to say, I’m sort of an emotional wreck today! I’m in tears one moment and giddy with excitement the next. I’ve never wanted a day to END and NEVEREND at the same time. But I know I am blessed and I do look forward to the next step in my career.
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