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Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Definitely Not an Update

I’ve been sort of down lately with this surrogacy thing.  I started off this journey a little hesitant.  Did I really want to do this? COULD I do this?

As things moved and the process began the hesitation dwindled and excitement quickly took its place.  I was excited to do this.  Partially because of the money (because seriously it would be a nice boost for the family and our attempt to buy a home), but mostly for the experience.  The experience of being able to help a family that has been struggling to produce their own life.  Some of the stories I have heard from these couples break my heart.  They want this child SO badly and have, in most cases, heart wrenching stories about their many attempts to do it on their own.  It’s also for the experience of carrying a baby…again (I really like pregnancy most of the time).

So with each family I meet and with each family that says “no” sadness starts to replace that excitement.  Some say “no” for reasons outside of their control (embryos with problems), but some say “no” because they don’t like that I’ve made a choice not to compromise (see blog for details). 

Part of me wants to say…the chances are small so if I just tell them “Yes I will compromise” they’d be happy and choose me and the chances are so small that there would a problem where they would ask me to terminate.  But what if they did ask me? What if the baby has a disability that is not life threatening, but the parents still don’t want to deal with it? What if then they ask me to terminate?  I just can’t.  The very thought of taking a life of baby breaks my heart in ways I could never fully express.  I can’t take that risk.  And so instead I keep dealing with the “no”.

And with each “no” comes a little more sadness and slowly replaces the excitement.

Don’t get me wrong.  I still REALLY want to do this.  I’m just having to face the reality that I am difficult to match and that means this may never actually happen.  And although I’ve known that was the truth since the beginning it doesn’t make it any easier.

So please excuse me while I mope a little and dream of being 5 months pregnant (that is a fun time).  And please continue to pray for me and the family through this journey: that if it is God’s will for me to become a surrogate, that the perfect family does come along.

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