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Monday, April 13, 2015

A Long Weekend

Insight into my weekend – don’t read this if you don’t want to hear of many bodily functions and gross things.  You’ve been warned.

Friday started out great.  I had an ultrasound showing two babies at the right stage and development.  I had Tri Tip Man for lunch.  And then I was headed to church to lead worship with my hubby (one of my favorite things to do).

We got through practice and my nausea started to kick in.  I went the bathroom to puke and pee.  After finishing I noticed some blood.  I’ve had light bleeding and heavy bleeding before during a pregnancy and I KNEW it could be nothing…but it could also be something.  I sat a moment longer and noticed the bleeding increase and also started minor cramps.  I convinced myself it was likely nothing and headed back to stage to start the worship set with Justin.

Half way through the 2nd song the cramping got worse.  I felt the bleeding also get worse.  I began to feel light headed and panicked.  As soon as that song was over I headed off stage and back to the bathroom. As I sat there I prayed for those babies – whatever was happening in that moment with my body and those babies.  I prayed that God’s will be fulfilled even if the outcome was not what I was hoping for.  Then I saw a small pea sized blood clot and thought… I’ve had clotting problems before.  Maybe the bleeding is because of this clot.  Or maybe that clot is the baby.

I don’t cry that often or easily, but I sort of lost it in that moment.  Sitting at church on the toilet silently crying in the stall.

I lay down until the service was over to tell Justin what was going on and then headed home and just slept.
When I woke up on Saturday the bleeding had turned to very light spotting and the cramping as gone.  The nausea was not at all gone.  Between Friday afternoon and today I’ve had a total of 1 slice of pizza, a handful of crackers, and a small burger.  All of which were difficult to even make myself swallow or keep down once I managed that.

I heard back from Dr. L’s office this morning and they asked me to come in for an ultrasound a few days earlier than scheduled.

In the ultrasound Baby A’s heartbeat was instantly seen.  She was alive and well.  Dr. L had a little bit of a harder time finding Baby B.  He did find Baby B’s sac, but that was all.  He said that it could just be too early to tell since I am only 6 weeks 1 day.  He said Baby B could still be there and growing, he just can’t see it right now.  So for now to still call it twins with another ultrasound next week to confirm.

For the sake of my IP (intended parents) I’m hoping and praying both babies are growing – strong and healthy.  But my gut is telling me what I experienced on Friday was not “normal”.  Which also makes me feel horrible.  

What if it’s my body that handle twins?  I say it’s ok to transfer to 2 embryos and then lose 1 at about 5 weeks both times?  Is that coincidence or my body saying I’m crazy for thinking I could handle twins.  If it’s my body then that means it’s my fault that one of those babies didn’t survive and THAT SUCKS.  It’s like setting one of them up to fail before we even start.  Today, that is the weight I’m feeling.

The loss of a baby’s life is always hard.  The thought that the loss of that life is my fault has a whole new kind of weight attached.

I am grateful and thrilled that 1 baby is doing well, but I will also be preparing to mourn the loss of the other.  We won’t know “for sure” until next Tuesday, but I just have a feeling…


  • My new nausea medication kicks in fast so I can eat
  • That both babies are actually there and growing and we just couldn’t see it
  • Comfort for my IP as they await the next ultrasound
  • That my family can be an example of Christ to my IP and their family.

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  1. Don't blame yourself. You have no idea why this could be happening, or that it would have happened again. You are doing a wonderful thing for these parents. Blessings will fall like rain on you and your family for the good you have done!