Do I Even Know My Kids?

Nothing quite makes you question every parenting detail like being evaluated (judged) on your parenting abilities.

There’s always this little the voice in the back of your head that makes you question most of your choices, responses, conversations, rules, discipline techniques and so on. 

Should you have said that to her, maybe she isn’t old enough for that conversation?

Maybe grounding him for that was a bit excessive.

Why did you snap at her like that?

So, as we start the lengthy interview process with our adoption case worker for our home study my confidence of like 75% doing this parenting thing right has quickly dropped to like 50%.  They’re all alive, I feed them, I dress them, I make sure they get to school, I make sure they have a bed to sleep in (even though they beg to sleep on the floor), and we even keep the house at a reasonable temperature (most of the time). That covers 50%.

We haven’t even had our first interview yet (Next Thursday 12pm-4pm so you can be praying for that) and my confidence is dropping. Why? Because apparently, I know nothing about the kids’ lives and have no time in my life for kids. Is that an exaggeration? Most definitely. But I’m just being honest on how I’m FEELING at the moment, even though logically I know it is irrational.

Case Worker: So, when can you meet?

Me: Normally, we are pretty flexible, but Justin’s school schedule right now is crazy packed because he has so little time to fit in a TON of observation hours.

Case Worker: So, what day works best? We can only meet Monday-Friday during regular business hours.

Me: Um, right now… he is only free on Thursdays from 12PM-4PM because of class and/or class hours and/or work.

Case Worker: We usually meet at 9Am or 2PM, can you make that work?

Me: Not in the next 3 weeks. Maybe after that, but I’m not sure about that either because he’ll have hours to do at a different school and we don’t know that school’s schedule yet.

Case Worker: Is your schedule always this busy? (that’s what she said, what I heard was, “So, do you have time to take on another kid? Do you have time for your kids? Why are you such horrible people?”)

Me: Not usually, this semester has just been a lot busier than others.

Case Worker: Well after we finish your interviews we’ll need to meet with the kids. When do they get out of school?

Me: Um… sometime around 3

Case Worker: You don’t know when they get out? (that’s what she said, what I heard was, “Why don’t know you when your kids get out of school? Don’t you love them? Shouldn’t you know every detail about their lives?)

Me: Well…they are in an after school program that takes them as soon as they get out of class until we pick them up around 5:00ish.  So, we never pick them up when they actually get out so I’m not sure. I know it is around 3 because we have picked them up for a special date a couple of times at 3.

Case Worker: But you don’t know the exact time?

Me: No, I can call the school and ask though.

Case Worker: No, its fine (that’s what she said, what I heard was, “You’re sort of a horrible mother”)

And with less than a week away before she begins asking us every detail of our lives (from birth to now) and marriage I’m sort of freaking out!  I mean, she hasn’t even officially started the interview and I feel like I failed.  Even as I write this and ask for prayer that it goes well I wonder if I really mean that. I keep getting these doubts creeping in. Can we handle this? How messed up have we made our kids already? Should we really mess up another kid? I want you all to pray it goes well because I KNOW that is the right thing, but my mild panic is whispering that if it doesn’t go well all of this will be over quickly and we will move on with our lives like they are now so no big deal. I feel like a horrible human for admitting that. I’m not looking for reassurances, I’m just “talking it out” with myself in a very public format because then I can’t hide from dealing and processing it all.

And every time I get on the brink of calling it quits I stop focusing on ME (because at my roots I’m a broken and selfish human) and focus on that little boy.  AND then, my heart shifts from ME to HIM.  And then mostly I get a little choked up.  HE deserves a life where he feels loved, safe, and cared for.  I can do that. We can do that. I may not get “parenting” right every day, but every day I do love them.

OK, moping over.  Let’s look at this picture of my awesome kids and move on now.