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Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The Nerdy School Girl

I am not a very quiet or shy person in general. I tend to be outgoing and rather social…in the right setting.

For some reason my whole life when it came to school I got focused. I tie it the fact that I am an “achiever” (from strength finders). In a nutshell, I like numbers. I like statistics. Not necessarily mathematical things, although I do adore math, but more goals for myself. I am that person who needs that A. Who cares if a B is passing I want the A. Not because with a better GPA I get a better scholarship or anything, but just to get the A.

All this to say, when I get to school/class I get in this “school mode”. I focus, I get quiet, I rarely ever talk, and I “achieve”. This has led to some great grades for myself fulfilling my need to achieve, but very few close friendships.

Outside of class I was the active, loud, social thing that nobody recognized. I was in drama in High School and on more then one occasion I had both teachers and other students tell me they were completely shocked when the saw me in a play…they never pictured me being so loud and being comfortable in front of all those people. This side of me is the “me” I know.

I sometimes find myself hearing about old friends from college or high school hanging out, visiting, still being very “close” and realize that my focus had pushed me away from so many people. I “knew” people from my classes, but I was never really that close to anyone. Not because I didn’t want to be, but because I was so focused on my school work that I didn’t realize I wasn’t making friends.

I now feel like I’ve missed out on huge part of my school experience. Looking back I wish I had take a B in my class in exchange for hanging out more with the other students. I wish I had been less driven and determined to be “perfect” in class and more driven towards building lasting relationships.

Of course now it is too late to go back, but I hang on dearly to the friendships I do have. I have managed to get my nose of book/computer long enough to make a few very close friendships and I wouldn’t change this for the world, but I do wonder what it would have been like to actually have made friends during school and not just acquaintances. I wonder if the people I “friend” on Facebook, or who’s blogs I read, actually know me or remember me? What do these people that I admire for being able to look outside of school and build the friendships I wish I would have actually think of me?

Do these people see that quiet nerdy school girl? Or did they mistake my focus and drive to be arrogance and conceit? Did they see a socially awkward girl or maybe just a shy one?

I don’t know what they see, or saw. I still wonder and would love to know out of pure curiosity of course, but I know who I am :) I know I thrive on social interaction of people I love and care for. I know I am quiet around strangers and the person who can’t stop talking around those I know and am close to. I know I am driven to get “good” numbers and have a hard time when I fall short of my goals. I love to serve and help anyone I possibly can in anyway that I possibly can to give my God the glory! I am a child of God, a wife, a mother and a friend (in that order) and will live my life according to that list! I am a nerdy school girl.

2 comments:

  1. Rachel, where as you and I were never close at CBU, I never thought you were stuck up or unfriendly. I thought you were a little shy. I also knew that if Justin was madly in love with you, you must be okay :) He is a great guy! I enjoy reading your blogs and getting to know you better through them ... keep them coming!!! Oh yah, by the way, your kiddos are stinkin precious!
    -Tawni

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  2. I miss you, Raych. Thanks for sharing this...I know the feeling of realizing that you dedicated yourself to your responsibilities, and not to developing deep and intimate relationships, unfortunately I don't think I've reached the point of regret yet...but all the same, I'm really convicted in reading this. Because at the end of our lives, what will really matter is the people we have loved and known. I need to live my life more oriented in that way and your blog post has reminded me of that. Thanks! ~Cynthe

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