I have the tremendous blessing of working for ECCU and part of that includes a “staff meeting” on Wednesday mornings (pretty much just a chapel with worship and bible study most of the time).
This morning was an awesome “staff meeting’. An all worship and reflection time about Hope. Several people between worship songs spoke about Hope. Stories or definitions of Hope to them that got me thinking of a real time of Hope in my life. So as an early reflection for Christmas I am going to share a story of Hope for all of you. If you’ve been ready my blog for awhile you’ve seen a lot of my stories of Hope – this (I think) is a new one.
October 2009 I sat in the office of a coworker and friend and we talked about how I did not want any more kids (yet). Jordan (my 2nd girl) was turning 1 and my heart wasn’t in a place to accept the chances of having another girl.
Going back a few years when I first found out Justin and I were having our first baby – I hoped for boy. I was never a girly girl and I hated pink and I didn’t like dollies or dresses. I was more comfortable around boys so naturally (?) I wanted a boy first. A girl someday, but a boy first – Then we had Taylor our first baby girl. About 2 years later we had our 2nd little girl – despite my goal of having a boy of course.
Because of this I didn’t want another baby yet. I told my friend that if I can’t just be happy to have a beautiful baby despite the gender the I shouldn’t have a baby at all. As we continued to talk I realized in that moment…I was “late”.
My lunch break that day I got a pregnancy test and sure enough – there was a baby stewing in my belly. I cried.
Fast forward about a month. Here I am now at Jordan’s 1st birthday party. I was going to be a mommy – again. And I KNEW it was going to be a girl. I was happy for a baby, but still prayed constantly for God to grant me the desire of my heart to have a baby boy. I knew this was my last shot. Justin and I had also decided that we didn’t want to find out the baby’s gender – just in case it was a girl. I didn’t want to be sad at all about the baby – I wanted to hold onto that Hope and be happy in that Hope.
As Jordan’s party rapped up I felt a rushing sensation down my leg. I ran to the bathroom to find that the rushing was blood – a lot of it. Talk about awkward – walking out into a room and telling people at your house “Um, you all have to leave because I need to go to the hospital”.
I prayed the entire way to Urgent Care. I clung to that Hope with a tight fist and prayed. Please God – save my baby.
The doctor examined me and VERY casually – as if saying “how do you do” when passing a stranger – told me “You are having a miscarriage – head to the hospital and they’ll remove “it””. He walked out of the room and my heart imploded. “It” – how dare he. I remember the nurse in the room looking at me with sympathetic eyes before walking out of the room as well. I sat and prayed as Justin rested his hand on my shoulder. The Hope slipping through my fingers no matter how hard I tried to hold onto it.
We headed to the hospital in mostly silence. I continued to pray, but my prayer was wrapped in spurts of anger. I didn’t want to have a baby! Why would He give me a baby and then take it away! We were at the hospital for several hours before finally getting an ultrasound. The tech kept a straight face as she looked into the monitor – but I was still searching for glimpse of Hope in her face. I did not get it.
We waited a few more hours for a doctor to come in and talk to us about the results and the “next steps”. The doctor came in and told us the baby was fine. There was a tear somewhere that was causing the bleeding. The tear also meant the baby wasn’t getting everything it needed so it was smaller then it should be, but it was fine. In that moment I sunk so deeply back into that Hope. God had a plan – I didn’t know what it was, but he did. That is my Hope. Even in my doubt and anger he worked his plan. That is my Hope.
I look at my now 18 month old baby BOY and he is a reminder to me of my Hope. My Trust in my God. And my Hope is that you can rest fully in the Hope that Christ provides you this Christmas! If you don’t know where to find that Hope let me know! I’ll be happy to help you find it in Him.