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Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Not Sure Where This Is Going...

I promise the So Sayith Tay and Jay is coming.  The girls and I decided to something special last night and when we got home my Husband had taken over my computer – so tonight it will happen.  And I don’t feel as guilty about not getting it done as I thought I would since I was spending time with the girls and that’s really the whole point of doing it anyway :)

I don’t have a “purpose” for writing today so this may come across as rambling.  I just NEED to write.  I feel overwhelmed.

I have this anxiety hanging over me and I don’t know what it’s from.  I’ve been trying to figure it out for about a week now and I just can’t shake it or figure out the “thing” that’s causing it.  It usually is a thing.  Maybe this time it’s just a whole lot of things.

I don’t feel stressed I just feel anxious and I always thought those two came together.  So I guess my point for today (you are all seeing my brain develop this thought…welcome to my head…this is how I think) is just to get out the things that are on my mind.  I’m not sure why I feel the NEED to get it written down some place, but I do…so if you are still reading you are about to get a brain barf from my head.

Where will Taylor go to school?
Am I being a good steward of our resources?
Why is my friend’s ex husband such a horrible disgusting person that I want to punch in the face even though I’ve never met him?
What is going to happen to my dad (health issues)?
How much longer can Justin tolerate the stress of being a stay at home dad?
Do I really NEED the things I think I NEED?
Do I come across as the negative person I feel like I’ve been the last few months?
Can we really afford to eat “healthier”…can we afford NOT to?
Do my kids get the attention they need from me?
Am I the mom God wants me to be?
Am I the wife God wants me to be?
Am I the wife Justin wants me to be?
Where am I screwing up (so I can make it better)?
Where am I doing it right (so I can keep doing it)?
Am I disciple I am called to be?
What am I going to eat for lunch?

So there it is in about 5 minutes the questions that are floating around in my head.  I don’t feel like I’m stressing or dwelling on any of these really, but maybe the mass together is causing this anxiety of the unknown.

Overall, the life of the Davis’ is going well.  We are healthy.  We are happy.  I am content in my life right now.  Maybe that’s the problem…I think I get restless in contentment.  When there is not a crisis going on I feel like there is always one lurking around the corner ready to pounce.  The calm before the storm?

At least when I’m in the storm I know I need an umbrella…right now I feel like I’m walking outside on a sunny day waiting for a cloud to burst over my head… and I’ll be standing there unprepared and soaked.  However, I don’t think now that I’ve figured it out I’m any better off.  How is it I can be so happy with my life as it is now and still feel such anxiety about what it COULD be like tomorrow?  That is really irrational.  I don’t like irrational.

If you are still reading I'm impressed. I lost interest in where I was going and I'm writing it!  Not sure I'm any better off then when I started, but I do feel better getting it written down for some reason.  Maybe I'll just start carrying an umbrella with me all the time... if only I can figure out how to do that outside of the metaphor...

2 comments:

  1. I think you must have been reading my thoughts recently or something. haha. I've had the same feeling and was just talking to my mom about it about 2 weeks ago. Her answer? God will be faithful just like He has always been in whatever tomorrow holds. "Do not worry about tomorrow, tomorrow has enough worries of its own." Looking forward to seeing you guys soon!

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  2. Oh hon. I am right there with you on many of these questions. I know that there is no "right" answer to any of your questions (well maybe one or two), and I know what you don't want to hear is that everything will work out, but I think that's the only response I can honestly give. I don't know where Taylor will go to school or if Justin is getting exhausted, but I can tell you that it seems you have a beautiful family that loves you and is thankful for all that you do.

    I get into a funk every now and then also, and there is really nothing that makes me feel better either. You can try ice cream and the movie "Breakfast at Tiffany's". That is usually my recipe for the blues, or as Holly calls them, "the mean reds. Suddenly you're afraid but you don't know what you're afraid of, you're just scared that's all."

    I will be praying for you, and I think of you often. If there is anything I can do, PLEASE don't hesitate to call.

    Even if it's just to borrow "Breakfast at Tiffany's". Wink!

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