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Wednesday, May 4, 2011

My Full Surrender

I have an issue with control. I like to know what’s going to happen and when its going to happen. I think that’s pretty standard for a lot of people though.

This makes many aspects of my life rather difficult at times.

1. Justin can’t really surprise me (he’s done a good job on occasion), but I stress… where are the kids? How long will we be gone? How much is it going to cost? Do I have the right clothes?
2. I tend to be too opinionated when it comes to decisions Justin should make like where we go to church or how often we should pray together (the Spiritual Head of House type things)
3. I have this idea of how the kids should be handled and like to think the time I spent in my early childhood education classes means I know how to do that better then others… I know it’s a lie, but like I said, I like to feel like I have some kind of control and if you have kids you know how little control you actually have LOL (or maybe it’s just mine)
4. My “future”

Today numero cuatro is what I feel the need to dwell on. What does “my future” mean? What does it look like? Why do I spend so much time chasing something I really have no control over? WHY do I even want control over it?

As a Christian I get the chance to fully surrender everything to God, so why do I struggle to hold onto that control when I know He can do a much better job them me?

There is a current situation in my life (I can disclose this later) that I really have little control over. I know what I want the outcome to be. I find myself thinking about the “what if’s” and “if not’s” far too often. I know it’s in God’s control and what His will is will be done, so why can’t I let it go?

Yesterday, on the way home from work, it hit me in a flood of tears. Not sad tears, not happy tears, not stressful tears, but tears of shame (for lack of a better word). There is this thing that I want so much to happen, and I am praying constantly for God to make it happen, but why would he? I haven’t trusted him in my actions leading up to it. I’ve been praying for it yes, but I have not really surrendered to his will, and for that I felt shame.

As you have seen (read) over the last few weeks God has done AMAZING things for my family. I know God is alive and moving in my life in the areas that I have surrendered to him. He has proven Himself to me even when He shouldn’t have to. I took steps of faith yes, but I kept holding onto something to “steady” me as I went and not just letting God do his thing.

What I most recently found myself doing is making mental lists of if this thing does happen God means this … if this thing does not happen God means this…

It’s absurd! Why would I ever think that is a good idea? So yesterday, on my drive home, through my tears of shame I made the conscious effort to surrender ALL to Him. Am I still nervous about what’s to come, of course! It’s ok to be nervous, but I don’t need to “worry” anymore. God knows my heart and how desperately I want this thing to happen, but God knows more then my heart does too, and what I think would be perfect from my perspective could have potentially horrible results.

I should be able to tell you all more (for those that are interested) by Monday. Prayer is appreciated :)

Ok, reading what I just wrote sounded way confusing. I think this whole blog may be confusing, but it is one of those days that I just have to get this stuff off my chest.

1 comment:

  1. Not confusing. I getcha. And I've been there a lot recently. What-ifs and if-onlys are a killer! Prayers said.