My first thought… AWESOME! I’m having these babies today! I’ll get to go home and see my family!
My second thought… CRAP I’m having these babies today! They are too early! The parents won’t make it time!
Up to this point (up to a day earlier) baby A had been head down the ENTIRE pregnancy. Ready for me to do a nice, smooth, vaginal delivery like all 4 deliveries before. I was excited. I knew the chances of a C-Section were high with twins, but the babies had been cooperative. Then…
The doctor looks at me, I see it in her eyes…something is wrong…
“Rachael, I see baby A’s toes”
The doctor KNEW of everything that had gone wrong so far, this was one of my biggest fears. I could handle Bed Rest… I could handle missing my family… I could handle gestational diabetes…but being cut open terrified me.
“Call your husband, we will be going into the operating room in about an hour”
The next hour is a blur (and not just because I’m writing this 9 months late). The fear was overwhelming. I remember calling Justin sobbing. I remember texting the Intended Parents (IP). I remember sitting on the operating table shivering as the doctor prepared me. I remember laying there and feeling the calmness of my amazing husband holding my hand.
Then I felt a few tugs and there she was. Baby A (Arleen). A few more tugs and there she was. Baby B (Angel).
The nurses got to work and before wheeling them out paused briefly so I can see them.
I cried. I don’t know exactly why I cried.
Joy? Yes, they were alive!
Fear? Yes, would they survive? They are so tiny!
Failure? Yes, I didn’t do enough to keep them in… what could I have done differently?
Sadness? Yes, the IP didn’t have enough time to get here. The babies are going to be alone for another day or 2.
I remember starting to feel discomfort as the stitching/stapling began. I remember the SEVERE pain of being forced to change beds and having to move myself because they needed my room. I remember the horrible pain that comes with being sliced in half.
And the best part… I remember being able to go home. I missed home.