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Friday, December 27, 2013

Disgusting Things

This will be a list of disgusting things I’ve encountered over the last month or so.

Do NOT read this if you are weak (like me…I gag at EVERYthing)

Do NOT read this if you are under the age of 18 (content may be inappropriate for minors)
You probably do NOT want to read this if you are a dude (there will be some girl related things on here you may find inappropriate)

With the warnings in place I shall proceed.  You shall proceed at your own risk.  I WARNED YOU!
1.       When making bacon wrapped turkey you must first rub your hands all up under the turkey’s skin in order to get bacon butter in there.  It feels disgusting…literally pulling flesh from meat and rubbing your hands all up on that birds business

2.       When you are drive heaving for hours on end and something finally decides to make its way out…I could quite possibly be foamy and white.  Like somebody who is puking up bubbles after drinking a gallon of bubble bath (which I did not do).

3.       When your child cannot make it to the bathroom in time to puke in the toilet she may end up just puking on your favorite jacket that is sitting on the floor because you’ve been too sick to put anything away in a week.  I’ll never look at that jacket the same again.

4.       Crinone is a vaginal suppository taken during the surrogacy process.  After it is “absorbed” the excess comes out like thick, extra curdy, cottage cheese.

5.       After using Crinone for several days one must manually clean things out…when you do this after bleeding for several days the cottage cheese looking stuff looks brown and chunky… that is much more disgusting than #4.

6.       When your awesome husband (not sarcasm, he is awesome) is stuck taking care of ALL the housework because you are too sick to do anything some things are left un-done.  Like the week (or 2 week) old things of Tupperware unwashed sitting on my counter… mold has turned to colors I didn’t even knew existed (Hummus turns forest green – who knew)

7.       Un-done things also include cleaning out your refrigerator of old leftovers that are also now starting to change colors.

8.       When I am holding YOUR small baby and you start talking about mold I will gag and maybe puke…which WILL result in a comment from me, “I will throw up on your baby” – don’t worry… it didn’t actually happen…but we were close

9.       Sometimes while throwing up green bean casserole a green bean will get stuck in your nose…that green bean will smell and make you puke some more.

10.   While all your kids have snotty noses from a stupid cold you are more than likely to lay down on the couch only to find your cheek and/or ear in a pile of snot that has been left on YOUR pillow

11.   To a 3 year old it makes perfect since to poop than use your finger as a pre-wipe (you know…to see if you actually need to wipe???) and then sniff your finger

12.   After not being about to eat for a week deciding to make in-n-out your first real meal may sound like a great brilliant idea… however, when you wake up at 12:13 AM to severe cramps and explosive diarrhea don’t be surprised…

13.   Occasionally after a rear end injection the injection site will leak medication and/or blood.  This has resulted in most of my undergarments having polka-dotted stains on the butt

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