As I came back to work on 12/26 the usual question floating around fellow coworkers was “How was your Christmas?”With every question I paused and thought…do I give them the truth or just the “it was good” response everyone is expecting?
I’ve opted to be very transparent as I work through this pregnancy and surrogacy because:1. If anyone I know is considering this I want them to fully understand the highs and the lows so they know what they are getting themselves into
2. This is new to me (not being pregnant, but being pregnant with somebody else’s baby) and although I am typically resistant to help I know deep down I’m going to need it
So with that being said I told everyone exactly how it went. It sort of sucked. I was nauseous and exhausted pretty much the whole time and although I thoroughly enjoyed watching family bond and laugh together I felt like an observer and not a participant.I was (and am) just not myself. Over a week with very little food (maybe 1.5 meals worth a day) and constant discomfort has left me exhausted. My body is tired and weak from lack of nutrition. My emotions are strained and worn. My “spirit” is tired of “fighting”.
I want to sleep all day so I don’t have to feel crappy. I want to be me again.The truth is I try to do things on my own and shoulder my own burden. Justin and my parents are probably the only people in my life I am comfortable asking for “help” from. And even now the guilt of the amount of work my poor husband has had to do is starting to get me down.
And still I am reminded daily about the amazing support I do have. God has blessed me with some of the most wonderful friends. Daily I get texts or calls or messages asking how I am doing and simply just “let me know if you need to talk”. I’ve had people offer to feed me, clean for me, pray for me, and just listen to me mope and whine.As I sit wallowing in this odd misery that has been this last week I just thank God that these people choose to love me and call me friend. I LOVE YOU GUYS!!! And you will all have to forgive me for my lack of responsiveness. Please know I appreciate all the messages I just have been too exhausted to respond. And although I GREATLY appreciate your offers of all varieties (literally I’ve cried at some of the messages offering to clean for me or do my laundry or bring dinner for my family), for now I politely decline, because honestly…that’s just who I am. Determined to make it work on my own (aka with Justin’s help) and unwilling to accept the fact that I could feel like crap for much longer (it has to be better next week right?)
I’m SUPER stubborn and determined to push my way through all of this.AND now to the stuff you all really care about (I’ll stop being all super depressed-like now).
Monday’s ultrasound verified 1 baby is not growing, but the other is strong and healthy. There are still the hormones for both babies since they are both still in there and there is a good chance I will not actually miscarry the 1 that is not growing which means the high hormones will stick around.
My IP (intended parents) are thrilled to know they have 1 healthy baby and I sent them an email yesterday with the following information:
“Today your baby girl is 7 weeks and 1 day. She is about the size of a blueberry and this week her little arms and legs will begin to form. “
· Despite my lack of eating the healthy baby gets what she needs to be perfect and healthy and have no complications (I’m totally ok suffering as long as she doesn’t have to)
· That I will miraculously wake up in 2014 completely back to normal (it could happen)
· That Justin can handle the extra burden being placed on him and my kids can understand why mommy isn’t acting like “mommy”